Allen: Hey Buster! Sorry it took so long for me to get here, I got held up by the old ball and chain. You know how the ladies are, always making you late. Haha, but I sure do love my girlfriend, even if she wanted to spend New Year’s at a fancy club without me. Anyway, I’m here now.
Buster: Allen, bro! You made it! No worries about being late. I, too, know how women can be. You know, from all the times that I’ve dated them. Which is a lot. Anyway, it’s still 2016, so you’re not that late. Grab a seat. Meet Cyril!
Allen: Hey, I’m Allen, Buster’s best friend since kindergarten. We go way back and are super close.
Cyril: You’re a ginger!
Allen: Haha, yep, sure am. The girlfriend sorta has a thing for gingers, if you know what I mean.
Cyril: Can you do magic?
Allen: Uhhh… no?
Cyril: Bummer. I thought gingers could do magic. But it’s cool, any friend of Buster’s is a friend of mine.
Allen: How do you and Buster know each other?
Cyril: Work. I guess I’m not as good friends with Buster as you are, though. He’s had his hand on your shoulder for the last five minutes and you haven’t even said anything. You must be pretty close not to mind that.
No one ever puts their hand on my shoulder. Well, my mom used to.
But I haven’t talked to her in a while.
Buster: Haha, Cyril what a funny thing to point out. I didn’t even notice my hand was still here on Allen’s shoulder. Probably because of how close we are. It’s not weird or anything because we’re super straight. I could probably touch him other places too and that wouldn’t be weird either.
Allen: Yeah, what he said. Not weird at all. But I’m totally hetero. I have a girlfriend and everything. And don’t worry, Cyril, it’s New Year’s Eve! We’ll find someone to touch your shoulder by the end of the night!
Cyril: Really? How? Are you going to use magic?
Cyril: Hey Allen, since you’ve been talking about your girlfriend so much, can you show us some pictures?
Allen: Haha, oh, yeah, sure, um, haha, okay, totally. Just let me pull them up here on my trusty phone. Just give me a second…
Cyril: No worries, take your time. It’ll give me a chance to stand up and come take a closer look.
Allen: Right, of course… um, okay, here we go. Here are a bunch of pictures of my super hot girlfriend who I’m totally in love with.
Buster: Yep, that’s your girlfriend, who I don’t harbor any resentment towards at all.
Cyril: She’s really pretty. And she even looks a little like my mom. Wait, but why do you look different in all these pictures?
Allen: Uhh, they’re a little old, I guess.
Cyril: Don’t you have any newer pictures of your girlfriend?
Allen: Uh, I do. But, uh, not on this phone. On my super expensive camera that I left at home that I own because I’m a really good photographer. I definitely have more recent pictures. Totally. Why wouldn’t I? It’s not like we broke up a long time ago and I’ve been hiding it ever since. That would be ridiculous.
Cyril: Wow, so you have a girlfriend who looks like my mom and you can do magic! That’s so cool.
Allen: No! I mean, yes! I mean, yes to the one thing – I definitely have a girlfriend – but not to the other. I can’t do magic, Cyril.
Buster: Just smile through the pain, Buster, smile through it. Someday he’ll break up with her and see that you’ve been here for him all along. And until that day, at least you’ve got your trusty friend, Beer, to help you out!
Cyril: Hey, look, the ball’s about to drop! Everybody get ready to cheers!
Allen: You guys, does the ball look a bit different this year? Or wait, maybe it’s just the air in here. Does something feel funny? It smells sorta like cinnamon… and fairy dust?
Buster: I don’t know. I’ve been drinking to dull my heartache and I can’t tell anymore.
Allen: Wait, Buster, what heartache?
Buster: Nevermind, the ball’s going to start dropping any minute.
Cyril: Hey, guys, we should make New Year’s wishes! And then rub Allen’s head for good luck when the ball drops.
Allen: Can we not? How about I promise I’ll make a wish if you promise not to rub my head?
Cyril: Deal! Though I’m not sure it’ll work as well. Anyway, I wish for a million dollars and a private yacht and a champagne vineyard named after me. That’s what I want, yessiree! Material things for old Cyril!
Allen: Uh, cool. I guess it’s my turn. Uh, I wish for my life to keep being as generally excellent as it is with my girlfriend, and, I dunno, like, maybe we can get married and have 2.5 kids and a dog? Because things are really great with her.
Buster: Great wish, man! I support it 100% because all I want is your happiness. Uh, yeah, so I guess that’s my wish, too? For you to be happy.
Allen: Aww, thanks man. That’s really sweet.
Buster: Anything for you, man.
Cyril: It’s dropping!
Everyone in the bar: 10-9-8-7-6-5-4-
… … …
… … … …
Allen: Uh, guys? Does anyone else feel frozen in place right now?
Buster: Oh, thank God, I thought it was just me! I can’t feel my extremities.
Cyril: That probably explains why you didn’t notice your hand is back on Allen’s shoulder. I can’t feel my extremities either! Or move! Oh my God, Allen, did you do ginger magic to us?
Allen: Cyril, for the last time – I can’t do that. But is it just me or did the bar behind us suddenly turn green?
Buster: Yeah, it definitely did. Wait, so what happened? Why do you think we’re frozen?
Allen & Buster: Cyril…
Cyril: Well, can you guys think of anything else that makes sense?
Allen: I guess not. So are we under a spell or something? How do we break it?
Buster: I don’t know. I guess it depends on what triggered it. Uh, what were we doing right before everything froze?
Allen: Making wishes?
Cyril: Oh my God, you guys. I’m the one who magicked us. I did it. I made the spell happen.
Cyril: I lied about my wish. I said all I wanted were material things, but that’s not true. What I actually want is to reconnect with my family and stop feeling this empty hole in the center of my heart.
Buster: Oh. Um, I’m sorry man, that sounds rough.
Cyril: Thanks. But wait, this is weird. Now that I said all that, I’m can kind of feel my fingers and toes again. I might be able to move soon. I think that telling the truth works. Can you guys feel yours now, too?
Allen: Uh, no.
Buster: Me neither.
Cyril: But that doesn’t make any sense. Unless… unless you guys lied about your wishes too?
Buster: Haha, Cyril, don’t be ridiculous. I didn’t lie about my wish.
Allen: Yeah, me neither. I was telling the complete, total, entire truth when I talked about my girlfriend. Everything I’ve said about her is definitely and absolutely not a lie at all.
Cyril: Then how come you can’t move?
Allen, I think Cyril’s right.
I think we both have to tell the truth. So I’m sorry for what you’re about to hear, because I think it might freak you out a little but…
The truth is, I’m in love with you and I have been for years. And I don’t want you to marry your girlfriend and have 2.5 kids and a dog. I mean, I do want you to be happy, that part of what I said is true. But- but- but my New Year’s wish is for you to finally see how much I love you and how good we would be together and for you to have that future… with me.
Allen: Buster, I never-
Buster: I know, I know, it’s crazy. I don’t expect you to feel the same way. I know you and your girlfriend have been together forever but-
Allen: We actually broke up six months ago.
Buster: Wait, what? You guys broke up?
Allen: Yeah. Because- because- well, because of you. She never liked it when we hung out and one day she finally told me she thought I loved you more than I loved her… and I realized it was true. And she left me. But I couldn’t tell you, because what if you’d asked why? I didn’t think I could ever share my feelings with you. I didn’t think you’d ever think of me… like that.
Allen: Really. Buster, my New Year’s wish is to be with you, too!
Everyone in the bar: 3-2-1-Midnight! Happy New Year!
Buster: Hey wow, I can move again! Happy New Year, Allen.
Allen: Oh my God, me too! Happy New Year, Buster. I- I love you.
Buster: I love you, too.
Cyril: Cool, you guys. Have fun with that. I’m gonna go call my mom!
Happy New Year!
Allen, Buster, Cyril, and me, Spencer